Values clarification sounds simple: decide what matters to you, then live by it. In practice, most high performers I work with are excellent at pursuing goals and surprisingly unclear about values. They know what they should want. They're much less sure what they do want.
That gap is one of the most common reasons people feel unhappy when everything is fine. Your life is built around values you inherited or outgrew, so even success feels slightly off.
Here are five exercises I use with clients. You don't need to do them all at once. Pick one, give it twenty honest minutes, and see what comes up.
1. The peak moments exercise
Write down three moments in your life when you felt most alive, proud or fully yourself. They don't have to be big. Then, for each one, ask: what was present here? Freedom? Connection? Challenge? Creativity? Being trusted?
Look for the words that appear more than once.
Your values are already visible in your best moments. You just have to look for them.
2. The anger exercise
Now the opposite. Think of three times you felt deeply frustrated, angry or resentful. Ask: which value of mine was being stepped on? Anger at being micromanaged might point to autonomy. Resentment about unfair treatment might point to justice or respect.
This one is often more revealing than the first, because anger is honest.
What makes you angry shows you what you care about.
3. The inherited values audit
Make two columns. In the first, list the values you grew up with: what your family, culture and early workplaces rewarded. Hard work, stability, achievement, not making a fuss. In the second, mark each one: still mine, partly mine, or not mine anymore.
There's no need to reject everything you inherited. Some of it is genuinely yours. The point is to choose consciously.
You can keep the values you were given, but only once you've chosen them.
4. The calendar test
List your top five values. Then open your calendar from last week and go through it hour by hour. Where did each value show up? Where was it missing? Where did you spend time on things that reflect none of them?
This is uncomfortable, and it's the most practical exercise of the five. It shows the gap between your stated values and your lived ones.
The distance between your values and your calendar is the distance between you and fulfilment.
5. The "finish the sentence" exercise
Write quickly, without editing, and complete each sentence five times:
- I feel most like myself when…
- I would sacrifice comfort for…
- Ten years from now, I'll regret it if I didn't…
- I admire people who…
Then read it back and circle what surprises you.
Writing fast gets past the part of you that knows what you're supposed to say.
What to do with your values once you've found them
Don't turn them into a poster. Use them as a filter. Next time you face a decision, a project, a job offer, a request, ask: does this move me toward my values or away from them?
And expect some resistance. When you start living by values that are genuinely yours, the protective parts that kept you on the old path often get louder: the people-pleaser, the inner critic, the part that wants to stay safe. That's normal. It's also where coaching helps most.
If you're at a career crossroads, continue with 7 questions to find your calling mid-career. And if you'd like help finding what's really in the way, try The Real Problem.